My name is Tal Rachleff, and I'd like to personally welcome you to the Evolve in Love Coaching website. My main intention is to let you know a bit about how I work, what you can expect from the coaching journey, a bit about who I am, and encouragement to set up a consultation to see if it might be a good fit for us to work together. (After all, we're dealing with deep relationship stuff here...there are no one-size-fits-all solutions.)
Whether you're going through intense turbulence in your current relationship or are feeling stunned and confused by your former partner's bad behavior (or your own!), I know that you have the capacity to reclaim your power, your voice, and your clarity right now. Though I know your situation is unique, and your heartbreak may feel devastating, I'm here to offer caring and competent guidance, support, and coaching. I have helped dozens of clients in situations similar to yours and offer expert guidance to transform the pain and heartbreak of this difficult moment into one of the most powerfully transformative experiences of your life.
I hope this gives you some spark of hope, even if you can hardly imagine how to move forward in this moment.
And don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.
If you're like most of my clients, you'll likely find yourself in one (or more) of the stages described below. Each stage has its own unique challenges (and -- believe it or not -- opportunities). Which one best describes you in this moment?
Confusion can set in at almost any stage of relationship, but often comes in most strongly just before or just after a break-up. This state is often summed up by the classic line: “Should I stay or should I go?”
Or you may be asking yourself that question in the past tense...either way, I'd like to invite you to consider that while your confusion and struggle is real, the question "should I stay or should I go?" is actually a very unhelpful inquiry. It's sort of like asking "What's wrong with me?" -- it's not a question that can yield useful answers.
An important part of the coaching work I do is to find different perspectives, to look at the same challenge or issue from different angles -- getting up to a really high elevation, or diving deep to get a close-up view. Sometimes we just need to turn the issue in several different directions to see what's really true.
When it comes to confusion, one of the more helpful questions is to ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?"
Do that for a few minutes, naming each feeling as clearly and objectively as you can.
Then, ask yourself, "What am I really, truly needing right now?"
Even if you can't 'get' that need met by another person in the moment, at least you'll have clarity about what you're feeling and what you're needing at a deeper level.
Whatever the story underlying your confusion, know that your confusion is not a ‘bad’ thing -- in fact, it’s one of the best opportunities to discover what is really true for you -- and then you can act in alignment with that truth.
When you’re in a confused place, and not sure which way to turn, going within and opening up to your heart’s true guidance is all but guaranteed to take you where you really need to go. And working with an expert relationship coach is the best way to ensure your blind spots, conditioning, and childhood wounding and imprinting don’t lead you into unhealthy choices and patterns again and again -- instead, you’ll have an ally to always turn towards your best self, the part of you that is still aligned with love, with truth, and with the innate goodness of your being.
I hope you've found this helpful, and please feel free to set-up a free consult to explore these ideas more fully and put them into practice.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed in the midst of relationship turbulence, it can be hard to tell which way is up. Your emotions are on overdrive and your mind can’t think straight...
It can feel a little bit like being swirled up in the vortex of a tornado -- you have no grounding, everything is constantly shifting and it is almost impossible to feel oriented to what is really true and important to you. When you’re feeling spun around, and have lost your bearings, you need a trusted guide and advisor to be there for you. And not just for you, but also to hold the best possible outcomes for your former partner, your children (if you have any), your friends and family, and your community. That may seem like a lot to hold when you’re having trouble taking care of your own needs, and maybe right now you have zero desire to hold your former partner with compassion, but this transformation of how we hold the love in our hearts is a key feature of this transformational coaching process.
If you happen to be in this place of total overwhelm before, during, or after the end of a relationship, it is essential that you reach out for expert help -- while your friends and family may mean well when trying to support you, their advice can often reinforce unhealthy patterns of behavior and only exacerbate an already-deteriorated situation. What you need is to find inner resourcefulness and courage to make choices that are more aligned with the future your best/highest self is seeking to create -- and I'm committed to co-creating that future with you.
Overwhelm is usually a sign that there is way too much emotional energy for you to handle -- and that's okay. It's not a problem, it is an invitation to find the time to slow down, take some conscious breaths, and consider what it is you might be avoiding feeling fully. This is another place where expert guidance can be helpful -- these feelings can be scary to face on our own, and it is part of my expertise to hold a loving and compassionate space for you to experience what is true for you at a deep level without shame, embarrassment or fear. (And if those emotions do come up, that's okay, too.) I'd be honored to hold space for your overwhelm in a free consult and support you to find more spaciousness and ease in your being through working together.
While you're most likely to find yourself in the grieving stage after an intense break-up or divorce, it's often possible to feel immense grief while in the midst of a relationship, knowing that it needs to end or something big needs to shift.
Getting to know your grief and allowing it to transform you is perhaps one of the most radical acts of self-love and awakening you may ever have the opportunity to undertake. I know that this is a tender and vulnerable place to be seen and supported. I also know, through working with so many grieving clients over the years, that it is an immense honor and privilege for me to be able to guide clients through the non-linear and often devastating landscape of grief to emerge reborn and revitalized.
Grief is often accompanied by a whole host of other emotions: anger, shame, judgement, bitterness, resentment, denial, numbness, sadness, despair (to name just a few) -- and this is totally normal. It is essential at this phase to learn how to grieve in a healthy way -- to learn how to traverse your inner landscapes and attune more skillfully to your needs and healthy impulse to heal. I can help you do that with more ease, grace, and skill than you would be able to do on your own.
According to many researchers, grief is actually an indicator that you need more support -- you feel weak, it is difficult to move, sleep or eat, and everything slows down. This is actually an adaptive response to a challenging emotional time, to give you the space and time you need to integrate and heal. I invite you to get the support you need to let this grief transform you for the better -- if you feel a resonance, I invite you to reach out and experience how I can support you in this difficult time.
I am a better version of myself
because of this work with Tal.
I am forever grateful.
Whether you're feeling stuck or adrift, committed to seeing it through or you can't wait to get out, I can help you find clarity around your next steps.
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In this video I share a bit about why holding a different perspective on breakups might not only be helpful, but also essential. When you shift your perspective, you'll find your capacity to hold yourself in your journey grows immensely, and you'll discover a deeper and more true reason to move forward by fully integrating and honoring what's happened in the past.
Tal was a wonderful coach through a difficult process. Uncoupling in a conscious manner takes deep introspection and asks us to look at ourselves in ways that can be very unfamiliar and at times uneasy. From the first meeting Tal made me feel as if I was speaking with a trusted friend who was on the side of my truest happiness and highest growth. This was so important as it gave me the confidence in myself and in him to really open up in a space I knew to be safe. As the process progressed, Tal proved to be a strong facilitator, gently urging me to be raw, honest and succinct in setting goals and creating affirmations for my future happiness and success in relation to myself, my friends, family and one day romantic partner. I'm so grateful for the skill, generosity and grace that Tal offered in the conscious uncoupling process.
After my divorce, Tal gently guided me along my path of healing and transformation. Because of my work with Tal and the Conscious Uncoupling curriculum, I was able to re-center my beliefs around love. I am now excited to believe that love does not have to be centered around painful sacrifices. I feel ready for a more balanced relationship, in particular, one where I love myself and listen to my own wisdom. After working with Tal, I am now much happier, healthier, full of self-love, and creating healthier relationships. Tal takes the Conscious Uncoupling program and individualizes it. He makes a point to really listen. He understands that healing and transformation are not always linear and embraces each step in the process. Tal was able to accept where I was in each step—he held me through the process and gave me space to discover my own path. He strongly held my goals of healing while accepting my fallbacks and embracing them as a necessary and beautiful part of the process. His ability to reflect my deepest emotions, desires, fears, and hopes helped me piece together what transformation was for me. Words cannot fully describe the gratitude I have for the work we did together. I give Tal my highest recommendation.
Dr. Dana Jackson
Our love relationships have the potential to transform us in profound ways. But if you're reading these words, it's likely the 'opportunity to transform' did not come in the ways you were initially expecting or hoping for.
Whether you're feeling stuck and frustrated and can't figure out how you got into such a dysfunctional relationship, or are reeling after a recent breakup, this proven process* is guaranteed to help you unlock the transformational potential hidden within your relationship struggles and disappointments.
*(based on the Five Steps of the Conscious Uncoupling process created by Katherine Woodward Thomas)
If you're like me, you might think you already know how to do this. Yet for me and for each and every one of my clients, I've found that embarking on this journey requires a significant upgrade of our emotional sensitivity and intelligence (and to be honest, this is a lifelong practice). With the utmost respect and compassion for where you are right now, I invite you to contemplate that the tools that got you here are not going to be all that's needed to get you where you want to go. This step is not necessarily about 'feeling better', but getting better at feeling, and being compassionately honest with yourself first and foremost.
I imagine that part of why you're here is to get out of the emotional pain you're in, and though it may sound cliche, I am aligned with the perspective that the only way out is through. And while heading even deeper into the despair and devastation of your heartbreak may seem like the last thing you want to do, I promise you that becoming intimate with your own emotional terrain is absolutely essential to free yourself from the unhealthy patterns in love that you so desire.
The truth is, if it were easy to do, everyone would have already done it.
The fact that you are here even contemplating doing this work demonstrates you have the desire to do the difficult but rewarding inner work that most people will never do.
Maybe you've heard of the idea that we are each the creators of our own reality. And in a sense, that's true, yet we must be careful to *never* hold ourselves accountable for the behavior of other people (whether you judge them to be 'good' or 'bad'). We can only be responsible for our own choices, whether those are inner thoughts or outer behaviors. This step can bring up a lot of charge for my clients, and it is certainly not easy to take full responsibility for your part without some support -- while I wish it was easy, the truth is that I have seen myself and my clients all-too-quickly fall into self-judgement or self-loathing when seeking to fully own their role in how things played out -- or are playing out, especially if they acted badly or enabled or tolerated someone else's bad behavior. And if that's the case for you, please be gentle and kind to yourself. You did the best you could. And you're here to up-level your 'best' to something way beyond what was acceptable to you in the past.
Here's the good news -- when you fully own your part, when you see how you actually made choices that shaped the world you live in now and the story you're telling about what's happened, it becomes empowering rather than depressing. You're not a victim of unseen forces hellbent on making you miserable -- you've simply been playing out a pattern that no longer serves you. And now you have the clarity and resourcefulness to shift that pattern.
There is something within you that’s been guiding your life for decades now, something that actually emerged in you before you ever got into romantic partnership. In many traditions they speak of some kind of mystical life-force energy, such as qi, chi, prana, kundalini, etc., that lies deep within our being. What I've experienced in myself and with clients is that there is another energy that lies deep within us, a dark and manipulative energy that is constantly pulling us away from our true potential. You can call it the shadow, trauma, conditioning, evil, unconsciousness...it doesn't really matter. Just know that you're not alone in being perplexed by how a loving good-hearted person like yourself could have created such a painful and difficult reality.
Your intentions may have truly been loving and good, and yet the results have been very painful and almost incomprehensible.
The way I see it, that dark energy (the shadow, the trauma, etc.) creates a secret, unconscious story that is intended to keep you safe and out of harm's way as a child -- and yet it does exactly the opposite once you reach adulthood. That story (which generally manifests as certain patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior) has been subconsciously guiding your choices to create the very experience you’ve consciously most wanted to avoid (i.e., the relational mess you're in now). It's crazy-making, right?
But here's the good news: when you're willing to bring that story out of the darkness and into the light, you can greatly diminish its power over you life. Does it instantly go away forever in the blink of an eye? I wish I could say that it does -- but in my experience, once you've truly understood that you've been the source of your own greatest suffering in love, you will never again repeat the same patterns. And that is what I call freedom!
Here's where it gets good -- and we get into the 'real' real. Once you’ve done the deep and profound work on knowing and healing yourself and your heart, it's time to put all you've learned into practice. If you're still in a relationship, you discover the most aligned choices for you to make moving forward. If you're on the other side of a break-up, it's time to set a loving and beautiful intention for how you hold your former partner and to make things as good as they can be for everyone you care about. *NB: this does not mean you ever have to see or contact your 'ex' again, it simply means you are committed to dissolving every last iota of bitterness or resentment out of your being -- because we all know the saying about harboring grudges is like taking rat poison and expecting someone else to suffer. This is all about your liberation, remember?
Well, well...look at you! You’ve done the hard and rewarding work and now it’s time to ritually and ceremonially acknowledge the journey you've just completed. This could be something you do by yourself in nature or a large group ceremony with your former partner and friends, family, and community. The size and scope is completely up to you and bigger is most certainly not better in these kinds of decisions.
While this is the ‘final’ step of the journey, it is also a new beginning -- a place from which you can confidently venture forth to create the life that is truly aligned with the deeper dreams of your heart.
At this point you can feel free to conclude our coaching relationship or continue to work with me as your ally and guide for navigating your future relational explorations -- I've had some clients that have been working with me for years. That said, once you've completed the five steps, you get to choose what's most aligned for you.
Unlike traditional therapy, this coaching journey has a beginning, middle, and an end, and I promise you that you will not recognize yourself when you complete all five steps if we work together.
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I come to this sacred and profound work humbly and honestly -- it was only through my own decades-long search for ‘true love’ that I discovered all the ways in which I was perpetuating old patterns of dysfunction in every relationship I thought I was committed to. As a graduate of an Ivy League college and a certified yoga teacher (with hundreds of hours of advanced training) by my early thirties, I had foolishly imagined that I had done the work of integrating the heart, the mind and the body through the deep study and practice of philosophy, history, meditation, yoga, and interpersonal practice.
Little did I know that exploring romantic love with another human being would be the greatest teacher of all, and in ways that I could never have imagined while moving on a mat or reading from a book. I see now that all of my previous studies and explorations have prepared me to be an expert guide for others who are experiencing intense and challenging times in their love lives.
If my experience has taught me anything, it's that we never know what is going to come of intense and devastating heartbreak. All I know is that if we are willing to do the work of looking within, being honest with ourselves, and honoring the truth of our hearts, there is beauty beyond our wildest imaginings awaiting us just beyond the horizon. I pray you'll join me on the journey to see what lies beyond the pain of this present moment.
May we all evolve in love,
I could tell you more about my background and training, and yet I imagine that part of what you're curious about is: am I the 'right' coach for you in this tender and difficult time in your life?
The honest answer is: I don't know. If you've read this far, and feel a resonance with what you've read, then there's a good chance I could help you get where you want to go. The best thing to do is schedule a free consult and then we can take it from there.
And if you're curious about my more formal background and training, here goes:
I was born in Israel to an Israeli mother and an American father, but grew up mostly in Long Island, NY until I moved to London, England with my family before my senior year of high school (which was an awesome new experience).
I attended Yale University, where I majored in the Special Program in the Humanities (I wanted to learn it all), and got disillusioned about the capacity of philosophy to reveal deeper truths as I progressed deeper into my studies and grew in my exploration of consciousness. (Perhaps I should have studied love.)
I spent several months in India in my early twenties and became enamoured with yoga (long before it was trendy and hip). After almost a decade of practice I co-founded a yoga studio with Schuyler Grant (co-founder of Wanderlust) in 2002 called Kula Yoga Project. (It still exists to this day, though I am no longer involved.)
Through my study of yoga I began to better understand psychology and how emotions move in the body -- to be honest, at first I used to be a bit perplexed with how to understand the deeper meaning of the women crying in savasana at the end of my classes (perhaps a typical male response). Through a deeper study of trauma and somatics I began to learn over time how our 'issues live in our tissues' and that we can only do the deeper work of integration and evolution if we are willing to access and feel all of our feelings -- not just the ones we like or approve of.
Over a decade ago I entered into an intensive period of graduate study at NYU, first for a master's in psychology, and then for more integrative understanding for human evolution through history and literature. My studies were interrupted by -- maybe you guessed it -- a passionate and life-changing love. I rekindled an old romance and decided to move to Vienna, Austria, to explore the relationship.
When that relationship completed in a confusing and disappointing way, I felt compelled to get far away from both Vienna and the East Coast and found my way to California and then Washington State, where I worked on a start-up aimed at facilitating yoga retreats and workshops and got involved in various movements all oriented around making the world a better place to live.
I became even more passionate about environmental and social justice, became a facilitator for The Pachamama Alliance, attended Bioneers and other conscious gatherings as often as I could, and increasingly dedicated my life to doing my part to contribute to the well-being of others.
In the course of all that, I went through one of the most devastating break-ups of my life, which sent me into a months-long depression and forced me to face difficult truths about myself I had been avoiding.
That experience had me realize that there could be no planetary well-being without (my) personal well-being, and I began to track more and more on the path of relationship coaching through my ongoing study of yoga, energy work, emotional intelligence, and how to love in a more conscious, evolved, and healthy way.
Yet it wasn't until yet another devastating break-up happened several years ago that I discovered the work of Katherine Woodward Thomas, creator of the Calling in the One and Conscious Uncoupling -- which are both books and in-depth transformational processes.
A few years later I was part of the first cohort of Conscious Uncoupling coaches to get certified, and one of only six men out of the one hundred and twenty coaches.
Though I am proud to be a Certified Conscious Uncoupling Coach™, I call my work Evolve in Love Coaching because I have found that while the Conscious Uncoupling process forms a very useful and important foundation for the coaching journey I facilitate, I bring many tools and practices from several styles of yoga, positive psychology, subtle energy work into the client experience and I wanted to differentiate it as such.
Other major influences in my life and coaching style include, but are not limited to: Harville Hendrix & Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt (Getting the Love You Want), Gay & Katie Hendricks (Conscious Loving), John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Relationship Cure), Esther Perel (The State of Affairs, Mating in Captivity), Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight), David Whyte (What to Remember When Waking), Peter Levine (Waking the Tiger), Daniel Foor (Ancestral Medicine), Bill Plotkin (SoulCraft, Wild Mind), the poetry of Mary Oliver, Rumi and Hafiz, the deep and penetrating insights of Stephen Jenkinson (Die Wise), David Hawkins (Letting Go), Daniel Siegel (Mindsight), Sobonfu Somé, Lewis Mehl-Madrona, Barry Michels & Phil Stutz (The Tools), Brian Johnson (Optimize.me), Brian Swimme (Canticle to the Cosmos), Dylan Newcomb (Embodied Intelligence/UZAZU), and too many more to name at this time.
Any questions remaining? Please feel free to contact me and ask. Thank you.
This is one of the most pervasive, persistent, and harmful myths about healing from heartbreak.
Forgive me for being blunt, but let's be real here: Just as we wouldn’t expect a broken bone to heal optimally without being set and protected by an expert practitioner of medicine, it is similarly naive and dangerous to believe that the pain and trauma of significant heartbreak can be healed simply by doing nothing and letting time pass or searching out a 'new and better' partner.
And forgive me if that hurts to hear, I mean no offense. I just want to make sure you seek expert help for what you're going through, whether that is with me or someone else you choose.
If you're honest with yourself, and sit with it for a while, you may begin to notice that there is some similarity around what didn’t work (or isn't working) in your last (or current) relationship and other relationships from your past. Maybe it's not the same issues exactly, but I'm willing to bet if you dig deep enough, you'll find some similar energetic frequencies at play.
While I support you in seeking out a healthier and more truly loving relationship in the future (and that is an amazing part of my job -- to witness current and past clients attracting new and healthier love relationships), my experience working with dozens of clients (and my own life history) makes it quite clear that until you do the work on yourself you’re going to keep attracting partners to teach you the same lessons over and over again. I invite you to make the commitment to learn the lessons now and graduate (with honors) out of this old way of being.
Whether you’re feeling numb, exhausted, enraged, overwhelmed, or some other emotion, there’s no better time to set up an exploratory consultation than right now. I know it’s hard to talk about something when the sting of rejection or the sense of personal failure is so fresh, but the good news is that when we work together we take it slow...and we start with where you are at right now in this moment and give you the skills and capacities to be with what is. Then, when you are feeling resourced through going inside and doing the work together, we can go further. I've had plenty of clients gasping for air through their tears during our free consult - I won't be surprised by that and I promise to hold you in your process with compassion and care.
It is my conviction that it is when you are the most ‘in it’ that you can most benefit from being supported in doing the deep dive into the center of what’s true for you -- no matter what stage of relationship challenge you’re in. And at the same time, if some previous relationship of years or decades ago is still gnawing at your soul, engaging the steps of this system can completely set you free -- once and for all! -- of whatever is unnecessarily binding you to unhealthy patterns rooted in the past.
While it can feel overwhelming to add something more ‘to do’ to you life, this work is actually supportive of everything you need to address now when you’re in the midst of a difficult transition. Working with a skilled guide can prevent common mistakes that will add unnecessary drama and tension to your life and allow the process to flow more smoothly -- enabling you to avoid painful and costly missteps in communication and choices that are much more likely when you are trying to go it alone. Consider that the choices you make now will not only have impacts in this moment, but could create significant impacts for years and decades to come.
I totally get it. This was one of the most common questions I got when I was putting myself out there as a "Conscious Uncoupling Coach". The short answer is: that's fine. You don't need your current or former partner to do anything at all. Sure, it's great if they want to participate and learn and be supportive. But for nearly every client I've ever worked with, this is not the case. The coaching journey takes into account and allows for an exploration of how your partner or ex is impacting you, but they do not need to change at all for you to have a massive and love-fueled transformation. I know that may not be what you want to hear, especially if you wish they would be more apologetic or less impatient or whatever it is that you desire, but you'll discover the true liberation that comes from allowing others to have their process exactly as they are having it.
The name "Conscious Uncoupling" can be misleading, so I apologize for any confusion. While on some level, yes, the training was about supporting people to uncouple, the reality is that the vast majority of the people who come to the Conscious Uncoupling process are already on the other side of a break-up. The way I've come to understand it, after years of doing this work, is that you are actually ‘uncoupling’ from old patterns, beliefs, and behaviors rather than from any one person -- in fact, some clients do find they want to create a new relationship with their current partner based upon the truths they unearth in the process. I can explain more to you in the free consult if you are currently with someone and not sure what's next for you.
My clients use this work to get 100% clear about what they really want and need in their current relationship so that there’s an opportunity for meaningful growth and transformation. If your relationship has become stagnant and unfulfilling (i.e., you're drifting apart), or is filled with toxic emotions and vicious cycles of blame and shame, you need to do this work. And if you do end up deciding that the most true thing is to ‘uncouple’ from your current partner, you’ll have the roadmap to do so with more grace, clarity, respect, and generosity than you can possibly imagine. I hope you find this helpful and please contact me with any questions or book a free consult below. Thank you.
First of all, I appreciate your consideration. And second of all, I'd still encourage you to book a time to talk to me as I make space in my practice every 'season' for at least 2-3 low-income clients as I want this work to be available to all humans everywhere regardless of means. I can also recommend other resources, like books and low-cost programs you might explore if you choose not to move forward with one-on-one coaching. I am also exploring launching a group-coaching program for a small number of people in the very near future so I can share more about what that might look like. Thank you, and I look forward to talking with you soon.
Whatever you're feeling in this moment, whether it is despair or rage or confusion or something else, I can help.
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